154: Attachment styles 101, why are you avoidant or anxious in a relationship? - Monica Yates
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154: Attachment styles 101, why are you avoidant or anxious in a relationship?

BY Monica Yates

Today we are talking about attachment styles.

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If you love the episode, I have created a ‘part 2’ masterclass all about how to heal your attachment styles if you’re anxious or avoidant. This has been added to the Feminine As F*ck bundle, so if you want to learn more on this and watch the masterclass, make sure you join the bundle!

JOIN THE FEMININE AS FUCK BUNDLE

It’s been a highly requested episode and I’ve been meaning to record this for a while now! I’m bringing you this episode live from my hotel room where I have a view of NYC and my new apartment in sight! As much as I love the boujee hotel life, I am so ready to be settled in my new apartment (mostly because living in a hotel room with a dog is not my idea of fun).

My interior designer (AKA mum) is in the process of creating my dream home. I have a very eclectic taste, because I can never limit myself to just one style. It’s going to be a beautiful mix of boujee and subtle, antique and modern, cabin and beach vibes, and I can’t wait for you guys to see! 

I also share with you all a quick life update and let you guys in on how I’m adapting to life in NYC and the new friends I’ve made literally on the street. One thing I will say is Jelly is the worlds best friends wingman! It’s so easy to meet people when your energy is open and when you have a friendly persona.

This episode is all about attachment styles. For those of you who aren’t familiar with attachment styles, this is the way you relate to a person in a relationship. I go through the 3 main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. 

These attachment styles have been created based on your childhood, whether you were given love, and how emotionally available your parents were. For example, if you were feeling tender and emotional and your parents were avoidant, made you feel bad for feeling emotional and abandoned you, then you’re more likely to be an avoidant attachment style. Essentially, however you learned as a coping mechanism, this is your attachment style. Remember, your attachment style can change!

As a generalisation, a lot of women are anxiously attached and a lot of men are avoidant attached. This is mainly due to the way society expects men to hide their emotions, and recognises women to be more sensitive. Society aside, women do crave more intimacy than men. As a women, your number one need is love and connection, whilst men crave passion and purpose. When you’re really embodied in your feminine, you’re naturally going to want more intimacy, love, touch, and desire whereas a man needs space.

Which style do you relate to most?

Anxious: You have an ability to express your emotions, you don’t bottle up as much pain, your relationship can cause so much turmoil in your head, you micro analyse a lot in your head, you blow small things out of proportion. you worry about your partner not loving you forever, you fear being rejected, ups and downs in your relationship consume you, you take your partners words, patterns and communication way too personally and out of context, you want to hear from your partner all the time, you give your power away to your partner and feel drained as a result.

Avoidant: you’re always wanting more independence, you worry about others relying on you, you worry about losing your life to your partner, you have an inability to open up, you struggle with intimacy, you struggle to be vulnerable, you find it easy to shut down and avoid your emotions, when you’re stressed you’ll avoid people, you find people too needy, you don’t stress about being rejected, you’re numb to a lot of pain in your life but deep down, you do care. Often these are the people who hurt the most and are the most sensitive.

Secure: This is where you feel safe in your relationship and in your ability to communicate. 

In this episode, I reveal what type of attachment style I am and my previous attachment styles. I also answer all your questions and share:

  • How to open up to love with an avoidant attachment style 
  • How to deal with jealously and insecurity
  • Tips on dating when you’re partner is a different attachment style
  • How easy it is to change attachment styles
  • How do you shift from anxious to secure
  • How to communicate based on your attachment styles
  • How attachment styles show up in other areas of your life and business. 
  • Are there benefits of each attachment style?

Reminder: If you love the episode, I have created a ‘part 2’ masterclass all about how to heal your attachment styles if you’re anxious or avoidant. This has been added to the Feminine As F*ck bundle, so if you want to learn more on this and watch the masterclass, make sure you join the bundle! You can join HERE.

I’ll leave you all with some chicken nuggets from this episode!

  • It’s not your responsibility to always make someone feel full security, it’s their responsibility to heal their attachment style and self-sooth.
  • When you can feel safe in the unknown, you will change your life
  • Express it instead of suppress it!

Monica x

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