236: Is BDSM a trauma response? | Sexuality, validation, disassociation & seasons of sex - Monica Yates
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236: Is BDSM a trauma response? | Sexuality, validation, disassociation & seasons of sex

BY Monica Yates

Today we are talking about Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadochism and Masochism (BDSM). I am all for BDSM, kink and all of the things, whatever your sexual fantasies are, I am here for it. Something to be mindful of is that your sexual fantasies in the bedroom should also be coming out in your life. A lot of us will give ourselves permission to act out our sexual fantasies in the bedroom but not allow them in real life. For example, many of us may be comfortable with Sub/Dom in the bedroom but won’t allow ourselves to claim that we desire that in our day to day life.

LISTEN TO EPISODE 236

Is BDSM a trauma response? I want to point out that just because you are confident in the bedroom, that does not mean that you do not have trauma. For some people Sub/Dom may be very triggering to them because they have trauma they haven’t dealt with. For others, you may feel like you need Sub/Dom to feel something in sex. For those who are constantly in a freeze response or are numbed out and disassociated you will need more physical pressure to feel more in your body. Somebody else who isn’t numbed out they can want those things but they don’t need them to feel.

Now, I love rough sex. I like being chocked, pinned down and I also don’t want those things sometimes, sometimes I want intimate love making. It totally depends on the vibe I am in and want my body is craving and what I need. For women, we will only be able to let go when we feel like the man has full control and knows what he is doing. I can surrender deeply when my man is fully in his masculine in the bedroom and fully penetrating me not just physically but energetically. But when I am in my head, I won’t be able to let go as much, so over time we have learned what we do. He knows that he has to put me in my place more and force me to relax into my feminine in a healthy way.

Sex can be a really healing experience, all of my sexual experiences have given me, taught me or shown me something that I needed to see and maybe didn’t realise was there. And now, having sex with my man who I love and adore it is healing in a whole other way. Most of us don’t realise that when we can go into sex and intimacy with this open heart and this deep trust within ourselves and deep boundaries, we allow ourselves to open up more. By opening up more with your partner, it allows you to heal things for past relationships and partners that are still there. The beautiful thing about getting into a really healthy relationship is that you cannot heal certain things when you’re single because they aren’t being brought up until you are in a relationship. When you are in a healthy relationship you can use sex and intimacy as a way for you to heal yourself and for you to help your partner heal.

If you are constantly in you masculine or wearing a masculine armour all of the time, BDSM might be your way to get that sense of femininity because you don’t get that in your day-to-day life. If you are more sensitive from trauma you might turn away from BDSM. For some of you you’re really turned on by these alpha males because of your trauma and for others BDSM is really triggering because of your trauma. It depends on the way you respond to your trauma. I want to point out that BDSM can also not be a trauma response and the way that you would know that is if you have healed all of your shit and you do BDSM consciously.

Here are some things to think about when it comes to BDSM:

  • Why do you enjoy it?
  • What is it that it give you?
  • Could you live without it?
  • Why do you like it?
  • Can you also have slow and intimate sex?

I want us to also recognise that sex is something that can be really sacred, and it is personal to us. I want to make sure that you are having sex that is truly nourishing you and that you’re not having sex from a place of numbness or disassociation or anxiousness but from this deeply grounded heart space.

Monica x

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